One Step Forward, Two Steps Back
by LoveandLearn
Summary: While grieving Derek's sudden death, Addison is forced to deal with another unexpected surprise while trying to move on with her life. (Features all of the Shepherds and the Montgomerys).
1. Chapter 1

She sat there in shock, unable how to even begin processing the news. She knew she had duties, things that she needed to do. She had to make all of the arrangement, call people to let them know. She knew she had a long battle ahead of her but she couldn't deal with any of it until the news sunk in. After sitting in the physicians' lounge long enough, she picked up her cell phone and dialed a number. Her heart was pounding and she had no idea how she was going to say those words out loud but she knew she had to.

"Hello." the familiar voice greeted her on the other end of the line.

"Mrs. Shepherd." she started hesitantly, "It's Addison. I um, I have something to tell you."

"Addison." Derek's mother responded coldly. She had never been a fan of Addison but she hid it well before the affair. After the affair she did not bother to mask her disapproval. She was very vocal about her disapproval over the fact that Derek agreed to take her back and give her another chance.

"Are you sitting down? You should sit down." she suggested.

"Okay…" Carolyn mumbled, pulling out a chair from her kitchen table to take a seat. "I'm sitting. Just tell me. It's not good to keep a woman my age in suspense."

"I uh…" Addison paused and drew in a deep breath. "Mrs. Shepherd, Derek passed away." she said softly. "I'm so, so sorry."

"What?" Carolyn asked in disbelief.

"Please don't make me say it again." Addison murmured, her voice breaking as she said it. "It was hard enough to say it the first time."

"That's just not possible, dear. Why don't you go check again and call me back? I'm sure he's fine."

"He was in a car accident. He got called into work early this morning after a late shift last night. He was very sleep deprived and I tried to tell him not to get behind the wheel but he wanted to go see the patient. He um… fell asleep behind the wheel and crashed into a wall on the freeway. They called me an hour later and said he was pronounced dead on arrival."

Carolyn could hear her heaving heavily on the other end of the line and she was doing everything to keep herself from breaking down.

"I'm sorry." Addison whispered again.

"Should we come out there?" Carolyn asked.

"No, I um, I think it would be best for us, for me to come back over there with his body. I was thinking that he would like to be buried next to his father. We never really talked about buying plots or what to do in the case of death so I'm not really sure but I think he would like that. I guess we figured we have plenty of time before we'd have to deal with that. But anyway, our entire family is out there. It would be best for him to be closer to everyone."

"Okay."

"I'll call you when I've got more details. Let me know if there is anything I can do, okay? I'm very sorry."

"Addison." Carolyn called out before Addison could hang up. "Are you okay?"

"I'll manage." she replied before hanging up and breaking down in the a hysterical fit.

* * *

A week later Addison found herself back in Connecticut. She figured she and Derek would make a trip out to see his family eventually but never in these circumstances. At the funeral Addison felt completely out of place. She did not belong there, she should not have been there watching her husband being lowered into the ground. Aside from that, she wasn't sure of her place in Derek's family. As Derek wife she should have been in the front at all times but a part of her felt that Derek's family did not want her there. His three married sisters sat in the front during the burial with their husbands and children, Amelia sat beside Carolyn as a shoulder to cry on, leaving no room for Addison. She sat in the second row and kept her head down the entire time hoping not to be noticed. Her own mother, father and brother sat beside her. She could feel her father's hand on her shoulder as she watched the casket being lowered into the ground. She found herself reaching to grab his hand, squeezing the life out of it was the only thing she could do to keep from screaming and breaking down.

After the service she stood stood flanked by Derek's youngest sister on one side and her brother on the other. She tried not to break down as person after person came to expressed their condolences. Once everyone was gone she turned into her brother's arms and instantaneously broke down into tears. He held onto his little sister tightly, knowing that he was holding her up, and did his best to comfort her but he knew nothing would help. Once they parted ways with the Shepherds Archer took Addison back to the Montgomery estate and helped her get settled. She had plans to go to the Brownstone but she couldn't bring herself to go back to the home she shared with a man who was currently six feet under. Addison spent most of that day locked in her room sobbing into her pillow.

Bizzy stood outside the door to Addison's childhood room and listened to her sobbing hysterically from inside the room. She had never been maternal or emotional, she didn't believe in crying around others or showing weakness. She knew that Addison didn't fall apart during the services because she was raised not to show emotion. She also felt horrible for her daughter, she wanted to go into the room and do something to provide some comfort to her little girl. At 37 years old, Addison was far from a little girl but she'd always be the baby of the family and Bizzy hated seeing her so hurt.

"Addison." she called out softly as she gently knocked on the door. She got no response. She reached for the knob only to discover it was locked. "Dear, you can't lock yourself up. You need to come out and eat something, talk to people…"

Once again, no response.

"Okay…" Bizzy sighed, she had very little experience with providing comfort to her children so she was unsure what to do next. "I'll be downstairs if you need me." she said loudly enough for Addison to hear her before leaning against the wall and letting out a deep breath.

Addison stayed with her parents after the burial, she couldn't bring herself to go to the Brownstone and she was terrified of being alone. She needed someone to take care of her and her parents were actually do it for the first time in her life.

"How are you doing, dear? I thought I heard you in the bathroom early in the morning." Bizzy asked her one morning as Addison took a seat at the kitchen table with the rest of her family for breakfast. "Were you sick? I told you slow it down with those drinks last night."

Addison looked down into the mug of black coffee their maid had placed in front of her. She put her elbows on the table, something her mother strictly disapproved of, and dropped her head in her hands. "I'm pregnant." she mumbled. When she lifted her head from her hands she saw everyone, including the wait staff looking at her with their mouths hanging open. "Just when you think my life can't possibly get any more difficult." she added quietly.

"Pregnant." the Captain repeated after a few more seconds of silence. "Wow, that's um… Congratulations."

Addison stared at him blankly.

"I don't know what else to say." he admitted shyly. "How do you feel about this? Is this something you want?" he asked.

"A child? Of course I want a child but not right now, not in these circumstances. Derek and I were together for 14 years. 14 years and we've never once even suspected pregnancy. He had fourteen fucking years to impregnate me and he does it right before he fucking dies."

Normally Bizzy would have scolded her daughter for such inappropriate language. Both Bizzy and the Captain felt that anyone of their class and stature should not curse but for the first time in either of their lives, it seemed appropriate it.

"Are you going to tell Derek's family? His mother?" Bizzy inquired softly, she didn't want her voice to come off too authoritative or firm. She wanted her daughter to make that decision for herself.

"I don't know." Addison whispered. His family hadn't spoke to her since the day of his burial. Derek's youngest sister, Amelia, had called once a couple days later to check on her but that was it. "Probably not. His family never really liked me. The silver lining of this whole thing for them is probably that I'm no longer married to their son so I'm no longer in their family."

"Addie," her mother started. "You are Derek's wife. You may remarry at some point and have a new husband but he's never going to have another wife. You're always going to his wife and you're always going to be the mother of his child. You will somehow always be connected to his family. If they think otherwise then they are wrong. You can choose not be an active member of the family but you're always going to be connected to them."

* * *

"Has anyone spoken to Addison?" Nancy asked during one of the Shepherd family weekly dinners. After Derek's death the dinners become more frequent, the family came together in their time of hardship. No one wanted to be alone and no one wanted to leave Carolyn alone. "She hasn't called either?" Nancy asked after receiving no answer.

"I spoke to her once three days after the funeral. It was a short conversation. I asked if she was okay and she said she was trying to be okay and that was it." Amelia answered.

"That was five weeks ago."

Amelia nodded her head. "Yeah." she mumbled, in disbelief over the fact that he brother had been gone that long.

"You haven't called her, Mom?" Kathleen asked as she turned to their mother.

"Why would I call her?" Carolyn questioned.

"She was Derek's wife, Mom." Lizzie told her softly. "This hasn't been easy for us but it can't be easy for her either. He was her husband. They were… they were everything to one another."

"Yeah, they were, right up until she committed adultery with his best friend. She betrayed him, she broke him. She sent him running across the country. If she hadn't cheated then he would have stayed at home and he wouldn't have gotten paged to that hospital and he wouldn't have died."

"You blame her?" Amelia asked slowly, in complete disbelief that she heard those words from her mother's mouth. "You blame Addison for his death?"

"Mom, it could have happened anywhere. Derek was obsessed with his job. Addison didn't want him to go in, she never wanted him to go in for those random calls at all hours of the night. He never listened to her. Its something that could have happened here if he had stayed." Kathleen interjected.

"_Could_ have, not _would_ have. It may have happened here but it did happen here." Carolyn pointed out. "I just don't think we're obligated to show any sympathy toward her. He was in love with the intern, he was going to leave Addison eventually. She was going to lose him either way, we were not."

"Mom, no matter what Derek may have left her in the future for the intern but she wasn't going to leave him. She is still in love with him. He meant the world to her, she would have done anything for him to be happy. She's already blaming herself for his death, she feels horrible that he died without hearing how sorry she is or how much she loves him. She is punishing herself already. We can't punish her too." Lizzie spoke up from her spot at the kitchen table.

"The day before the funeral Addison was telling me that she felt like they were finally at a point where they were both content. She said those last two or three weeks they had together were happier than they'd been in years. She felt like they were really moving forward with their marriage. It should bring us all some comfort to know he was happy at the end…"

"All of you are in here lecturing me about how we should pay attention to her. Have any of you bothered to call her and find out how she's doing?" Carolyn snapped, pointing out her daughters' hypocrisy. She was meant with complete silence. "I didn't think so. We're all dealing with this in our own way so lets not point fingers."

* * *

Finishing off 2013 with a depressing first chapter to a mini multi-chapter story. It will be 3 or 4 chapter.

I've never killed off a main character in any my stories so this is very new to me. I can't wait to hear what you guys think. I'm almost done with Chapter 3 but if you have any suggestions on how to improve the story then please let me know.

Thanks for reading. Please review :)


	2. Chapter 2

After months of not hearing from the Shepherds, Addison decided to hold off on telling them about her pregnancy. She had a hard time coming to terms with it herself, despite all the encouragement and support from her family. She found herself unable to returned to New York with Derek, she got all the way to the front steps of their Brownstone but couldn't walk in knowing he was gone. Seattle had never been home to her. For the first time in her life Addison did not know where she would call home. She ended up renting an apartment in a luxury building not far from her parents and refused every time they asked her to move in. It wasn't until her 32nd week that she decided living with them may be necessary. Taking care of herself and her baby while mourning her husband was difficult and she needed people around her to support her if she were to go into labor.

"I'm really glad that you decided to stay with us for the last few weeks of your pregnancy." Bizzy mumbled as she and Addison sat at a table for lunch after one of her prenatal appointments. "Babies are hard. It's good that you won't be doing it alone." she said, trying to start a conversation. It wasn't exactly easy to get Addison to open up and Bizzy knew it was because she had raised her that way. Trying to get a word out of Addison since Derek's death had been impossible.

"Yeah...alone." she mumbled, still trying to process the fact that she was just weeks away from giving birth to a baby she had made with someone who was currently dead. He had never known about the child. Never told her what he would want to name the child or what dreams he would have for the child. He left her to figure it all out on her own.

"Your father is so excited, Addie, he is having so much fun planning that nursery. He always loved that part. He did it for you and Archer too. He absolutely loves babies." Bizzy told her daughter.

Addison just nodded quietly. She didn't have the heart to tell her mother that she wasn't sure if she would be staying with them. Unbeknownst to anyone, she was considering leaving Connecticut after her baby was born so she could actually learn to move on with her life and create a new sense of normalcy.

"Are you going to say something at some point?"

"It's a boy." she whispered.

"Yes, Addie, you've known that since week 16. It's week 35. You've have a very long time to process that."

"But did you see him? On the 3D ultrasound. He looked like an actual person. Did you see the yawn? He yawned inside of me like a real person. And at the end he put his little thumb in his mouth and went to sleep...Its just so real now. If that thing showed anymore detail I'd probably be staring at a mini Derek. What if he's born and he looks just like Derek? How am I supposed to deal with that?"

"Well, he is Derek's son so that's a very real possibility."

"But how do I deal with it? Looking at my baby and seeing his dead father?"

"I don't know." Bizzy mumbled.

"You really suck at this." Addison told her bluntly.

"Excuse me?"

"At being maternal, being comforting. You can't even lie to make me feel better for a couple of minutes."

"I pride myself on my honesty, I'm not about to lie to you and tell you that bringing this child into the world will be easy on you." Bizzy told her with a very straight face.

Addison groaned. "Lunch with you was easier when I could drink through it."

"Don't worry, dear, I'll drink enough for both of us."

* * *

37 weeks into her pregnancy Addison decided that she could not hide the truth from Derek's mother. Derek was her only son and she was bearing Derek's only child. His mother and sisters had a right to know so they could choose if they wanted to be a part of the child's life. With that in mind she arranged to meet with Carolyn over lunch, a neutral domain to make it less awkward for both of them.

"Addison." Carolyn greeted as she approached the booth Addison was already seated at. "I'm surprised you're still in Connecticut."

"I obviously wasn't going to go back to Seattle. It never really felt like home...but going to New York felt wrong so I'm sticking around for a while until I figure out what to do." she explained.

"You're living with your parents?"

Addison chuckled. "Yes, I got a place of my own for a few months but then I went back. I couldn't do it alone. I needed help." she explained quietly. She considered adding that she had not lived alone since long before she got married. She moved in with Derek after dating him for six months and before that she was living with Naomi and before that she lived with Savvy throughout college. There was also the two months she lived with Mark after Derek left her but that was something that she definitely did not want her mother-in-law to know.

"That's good that you have them to help you forget." Carolyn said with a nod.

"It doesn't help me forget." she stated firmly and clearly. "I'm never going to be able to forget."

"I'm sure you will. He wasn't your child. Eventually it won't matter so much."

"Mrs. Shepherd, he may have not been my child but he was my husband. I shared a life with him for over a decade. He was my best friend. I trusted him and loved him more than I've ever trusted or loved anyone."

Carolyn tried not to make a snide comment at that remark.

"I made a mistake." Addison continued. "I'll never be able to explain how sorry I am. I told Derek every single day. Every. single. day. I don't know if he really understood, I don't know if he ever forgave me. I don't know if he ever loved me again after that day, if he ever trusted me again. All I know is that I made sure he knew how I felt. I'd tell him I love him every day, usually more than once a day, right after I'd tell him how sorry I am. I don't know if he believed me but I hope he did."

"Amelia says you were happy toward the end."

"We were content. We were finally settled, trying to move forward. We weren't fighting, we weren't ignoring one another. It was good. I was happy. I hope he was too."

"But you're not sure."

"No, I'm not. Realistically, maybe we were not fighting because Derek's didn't care to fight anymore. Maybe he was just letting the marriage run its course before it ended." Addison murmured. There was a silent paused while they both stared down at their plates. Finally Addison took a deep breath and mustered up the courage she needed to say, "I actually wanted to meet with you because I have something to tell you."

Carolyn looked up, one brow suspiciously raised. She was preparing herself to hear that her son's widow was already dating, maybe ever engaged to another man. She knew it may happen at some point but hoped she be out of Addison's life by then so she wouldn't have to know about it.

"Derek and I...we uh…" she paused. She always wondered how they would break the news of pregnancy to their parents and now she was at a loss of words. "Derek and I um, slept together a few nights before the accident."

"Okay?" Carolyn said strangely, unsure of why she was being given such personal information. "I'm glad that you had a chance to um… pleasure my son before he died?" she said with a questioning tone.

"No, no… I didn't mean to imply that." _Although he was very satisfied that night, _she thought to herself. Addison put her head in her hands and took a few seconds to collect her thoughts before looking at her mother-in-law. "What I meant to say is that I'm pregnant. Very pregnant. 37 weeks."

Carolyn speechlessly stared at Addison.

"I thought you'd take one look at me and know." she added, gesturing to herself with her hands.

Carolyn pushed herself up on her seat to get a look at the very pregnant belly the table had been covering. "Well, you were fuller in the face and breasts but I thought maybe you coped by eating…"

"I don't use food to deal with my emotions. I found out a few weeks after the funeral. Derek obviously never knew. I'm not sure how he would feel about it. I'm sure he knew it was a possibility because we weren't exactly being careful toward the end but we never outright stated that we were trying for a baby. A part of me hopes that he'd be happy. He would have been a great father."

"Yes, he would have." Carolyn agreed.

"It's a boy." Addison continued. "Ready to come out any time now.

Carolyn couldn't bring herself to look at Addison as she spoke. She tried to digest all of the information being given to her but it was difficult. She had been pushing Derek about having kids when he was still in New York and a happily married resident. She'd been waiting since their wedding for a pregnancy announcement. She may have not been a fan of Addison's but there was never a doubt that their combined chromosomes would be some type of genetic goldmine. They would have beautiful children. She dreamed of holding her only son's child, the next generation of Shepherds in her arms but she never thought it would be under these circumstances. She knew it couldn't be easy on Addison either but she couldn't bring herself to get passed her own anxiety.

"Congratulations." Carolyn finally brought herself to say when all other words failed her. She really had no idea how else to react to the news.

"Look, I'm not telling you this so you have something else to stress over. I can take care of this baby on my own. I have the means to make sure that he grows up as happy and healthy as possible. I'm only telling you so you know of his existence. You can choose to be a part of his life, you can choose not to. It's completely up to you."

Carolyn was still speechless. The fact that her son never knew he was going to be a father hurt her. "I don't know what to say." she finally admitted. "I need some time to process this."

Addison nodded understandingly. "It took me a while to process it too. I know its not easy." she responded to her mother-in-law. "Don't feel obligated, okay? Just choose what you think is best for you." she urged gently, not wanting the woman to feel trapped into a commitment.

"Addison, this is my only son's only child. Of course I want to be a part of his life. This child will be the only living, breathing reminder we have left of Derek." Carolyn told Addison, reaching out to place her hand over Addison's on the table. "It's a lot to take in and I need some time for it to really sink in but I don't need to think about it. We will all be there for this baby every step of the way."

"Thank you." Addison whispered, giving Carolyn a grateful smile.

"I should get going. I have Kathleen dropping off the kids after school." Carolyn said as she got up from her seat. "I'll call you to find out the due date. I want to be prepared for the birth of my grandson."

Addison nodded, watching as her former mother-in-law quickly exited the busy cafe. A part of her knew not to get her hopes up, she knew that Carolyn may have felt obligated to give the reaction she gave. She knew that it wasn't all so simply and easy. Another part of her hoped that her mother-in-law was genuinely happy to discover that Derek was having a child. She knew her son would grow up never knowing his father, she wanted him to know where his father came from to make up for that.

* * *

"Addison." Bizzy said in surprise when she walked into the dark kitchen at 4:30 am. "What are you doing sitting here in the dark at this hour?" she asked as she walked toward the refrigerator for a bottle of water.

Addison shrugged. "Why are you dressed so fancy so early in the morning? You can come down for water in your pajamas, you know? You don't have to change."

"I am not here just to get water. I am actually heading out. The charity ball is tonight, remember? In Chicago. I had to move up my flight, there are a few last minute things to do before the event so I have to get there early. Susan is coming with me but we'll be back tomorrow. Your father is in Boston for a conference but all of the staff will be on duty. Just let them know if you need anything." She answered. "Now will you tell me why you're sitting here staring into space?"

"Thinking."

"Thinking? At 4:30 am in a dark kitchen?" Bizzy asked, looking at her daughter as if she's lost her sanity. "What exactly are you thinking about that couldn't wait until morning?"

"I'm in labor." Addison whispered."I think I'm in labor. I'm not sure. I've been feeling cramps and pressure in my abdomen since midnight."

"Why didn't you say something sooner, dear? I would have cancelled my trip and we could have called your father so he'd be back. You should be at the hospital! Did your water break?"

"No. Not yet."

"Yet?" Bizzy asked. "So you're sitting here on my custom made casual dining set made of imported mahogany and waiting for your water to break all over it and my imported Italian marble flooring? Come on, let me help you to the car. The chauffeur that was going to take me to the jet is already outside. I'll have Susan stay behind and pack your bag and bring it to the hospital."

"I don't want to go to the hospital."

"Addie, you really don't have that choice right now, dear. Your baby is ready to come and he's not going to wait."

"I'm not ready. I'm scare. I don't want to do this."

Bizzy signed sympathetically. She took a seat on the chair adjacent to Addison. "What are you scared of?" she asked softly.

"I'm scared of doing this alone. That was never in my plans. I'm scared of being a bad mother. I'm scared of not being able to look at my son without dying a little more inside. It's just too much to deal with and I'm not ready."

Bizzy reached out and placed her hand over Addison's. "I know this is scary. I was terrified when I went into labor with you and you're my second. I know its scary. I know there are so many thoughts and worries going through your mind but it will all work out. Once you hold that little boy in your arms everything will fall into place. I know its hard now, it will be hard for a while maybe, but you'll get through this. Trust me, dear."

Addison slowly nodded her head, biting her lower lip to keep from screaming from the increasing pressure in her abdomen. "It hurts." she whimpered.

"I know, I know it does." Bizzy replied softly, getting up from the chair. "Let me get someone to help you to the car and meanwhile I'll go tell Susan to pack your bag, cancel my trip and meet us at the hospital."

Addison nodded again, watching as Bizzy quickly left the room to ask their personal chauffeur's assistance. She cringed, shutting her eyes tightly to battle the pain. She opened her eyes suddenly, her cheeks starting to blush in embarrassment at the sudden wetness between her legs. "Bizzy!" she called after her mother. "You may want to wake the maids while you're at it. I think I just ruined your chair and you're not going to be too thrilled about what's on the floor."

* * *

1. Happy 2014 everyone!

2. Thank you for the reviews. I'm so glad that my first story with a dead main character isn't a complete failure.

3. This story will be 4 chapters. I'm almost done with chapter 4 so updates won't be too delayed.

4. Please please please please review. Please. And let me know if you find any typos that I may have missed.

5. Thanks for reading :D


	3. Chapter 3

Bizzy and the Captain waited side by side in the waiting room. Archer was there too, seated across from his parents near Susan. Addison had chosen to be alone during labor and birth. Bizzy never even considered being in the delivery room, she did not want to see amniotic fluid or blood anywhere. Archer, Susan and the Captain had offered to hold her hand but she refused. If she couldn't have Derek beside her then she didn't want anyone beside her.

They all snapped out of their trances when a voice said, "I came as fast as I could."

It was Derek's mother. She had called the evening of her lunch meeting with Addison and expressed her sincere well wishes and interest for the baby. She urged Addison to use whatever name she would like and insured that she would be there for her grandson. After all, this child would be all they all had left of Derek.

"Who is in there with her? A friend?" she asked, noting that all of them were just quietly seated there. "I should go check on her."

"She didn't want any of us in there with her. We all tried." the Captain replied. "You can try but don't get your hopes up. She's practically got security at the door to keep people out."

Carolyn signed heavily and took a seat in the waiting room beside the rest of the family. They all remained silent until they noticed a nurse walking toward them. All of them stared on anxiously.

"You're here for Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, correct?" she asked and received nods from everyone. "She's been doing great. She started pushing about 40 minutes ago and now we're at that point where the baby ready to come out and she won't push. She says she can't do it."

"Why can't you just use a vacuum and get the baby out?"

"He is not far enough down in the birth canal for us to do that." the nurse explained. "We can easily get the baby out with just a few pushes but she says she can't do it without her husband."

"Her husband died 8 months ago before she discovered the pregnancy." the Captain explained.

"Yes, I know. I'm wondering if any of you will be able to go in there and provide some comfort and reassurance for her. We need to get that baby out. If it doesn't happen soon then the doctors will have to declare her unfit to make decisions and do a c-section. The baby has to come out."

"I'll go. I'm pretty sure she would prefer to have her mother with her instead of her father." Bizzy answered, getting up from her seat to follow the nurse.

"Bizzy, I think I should go." Carolyn spoke up before Bizzy could walk away.

"You didn't even know she was pregnant until two weeks ago. I think she would be more comfortable with me since I've been to most of her prenatal appointments with her." Bizzy replied logically.

"Derek was my son, Bizzy. She wants him and he's not here. I'm the closest she can get at the moment." Carolyn appealed.

Bizzy stood there with no comment for a few seconds. Then she nodded and sat back down next to her husband.

Carolyn followed the nurse back to the room where her daughter-in-law was lying awkwardly in stirrups. A doctor was situated between her legs and there were numerous nurses, all trying to get her to push but she was she lying there and sobbing hysterically. "Addie." Carolyn said softly as she walked into the room. She walked over to Addison's side and took her hand.

"I can't do this." Addison sobbed.

"Yes, you can. You are doing great. Your son is almost here. You just need to push a few more times then you can hold him." Carolyn said encouragingly.

"He's gonna come out looking like a tiny Derek and I'm never going to be able to look at him without feeling emptiness." Addison said between her tears. "He's never going to have a father. How am I supposed to raise a boy on my own? What am I supposed to tell him when he's old enough to realize his father never knew about him?"

"Addison, it's not going to be easy. I won't lie to you and tell you that it is."

"Uh, Mrs. Shepherd, we're trying to make her feel more comfortable, not stress her out even more." the doctor muttered from her spot on the stool and the foot of the bed.

"You won't be alone, Addison. You'll have so much help and support that you won't know what to do with it. Besides, as soon as that little boy is born nothing is going to matter. You're going to hold him and your life is going to change for the better. He's going to a living, breathing reminder of Derek. You and Derek created this child together, this baby is physical proof of how much you loved my son. That is all that matters. You are going to love this child because he's yours and he'd Dereks. Even with Derek gone you still have a part of him that will always be yours."

Addison met her mother-in-law's eyes and nodded her head.

"Are you ready to have this baby?" Carolyn asked.

Addison nodded her head and squeezed the older woman's hand as tightly as possible as she continued efforts to expel the child from her body. Fifteen minutes later she felt her son leave her body, heard his first little wail and fell back on the bed in exhaustion.

"You did it, Addison, you did it. He's here." Carolyn told her with a smile wider than it had been since Derek's passing.

"Is he okay?" Addison asked tiredly, searching the room for to see her son.

"He is perfect." the doctor assured her. "He's just getting cleaned up. Give us a few seconds then you can hold him."

As promised, a few seconds later a clean baby was placed into her arms. His eyes were closed and his tiny hands were clenched into fists.

"He's beautiful, Addison." Carolyn told her from beside the bed.

At that point Addison didn't even realize what was going on. She didn't notice the fact that the room was still full of people or the fact that her doctor was still delivering the afterbirth. All she noticed with the fact that her son's eyes were fluttering open and then he suddenly looked up at her with Derek's mesmerizing blue eyes.

Carolyn's eyes shot over to the monitors beside Addison's bed. "Addie, your heart rate is increasing. Are you okay?" she asked in concern.

Addison nodded her head without being able to look away from her son. "I'm fine." she whispered. "He's perfect." She felt the baby grip her finger and her glance moved from his eyes down to his hand. She doubted the possibility so early on but she could swear that even his hand looked like Derek's, just a smaller, cuter, more delicate version of it. "He's perfect." she repeated again, this time in a much lower voice because the only person she had to convince was herself.

* * *

After leaving the hospital Addison also made the decision to finally move out of her parents house and move back into the old Brownstone. She wanted her son to grow up in a house that carried memories of his father. The first few days were hard, she would walk into Derek's old office late at night and expect him to be there with his files. Everytime she went downstairs in the morning she expected there to find coffee waiting for her in the coffee maker from Derek's batch earlier that morning. She found that some memories were just too overwhelming so she had to put pictures and knick-knacks away to get through her days. Other times, like when two three weeks old Aiden was crying inconsolably for no good reason, she took comfort in locking herself in his old closet because still distinctive smell still lingered in there.

As days went on things became harder. Addison found herself wishing she could be locked up in Derek's closet for often. (She may have actually done it if she didn't fear that her scent would take over the room and get rid of all evidence that he had lived there.) Instead, she sat on the ground in her son's nursery and tried not to burst into tears herself as he screamed his lungs out. After an hour and a half she stood up and glanced into the crib. Aiden was red, crying uncontrollably and when she reached to cradle him in her arms he only cried harder. She put him back down in the crib and stared at him with a tired, blank stare.

With the exhaustion and lack of sleep getting to her, Addison cracked under the pressure. "What do you want from me?!" she yelled tiredly. "I am trying, okay? All you do is shit, eat and cry and I can't keep up with you! I'm trying. Your screaming every time I come near you does not help!"

She couldn't help but feel alone with her son's endless crying. She did not have a husband to help her though the beginnings of parenthood, she chose to move away from everyone who would be there to help her.

"Your father was supposed to be here." she whispered. "It wasn't supposed to be like this. Every time you woke up in the middle of the night I was just supposed to kick him awake so he could feed you or change your diaper. He was supposed to be there to keep an eye on you so I can shower once in a while, or so I can get more than 15 minutes of sleep at a time. It was never in the plans for me to do this alone." tears burned her eyes and the thoughts ran through her mind.

_"I can't do this!" Addison exclaimed, watching in exhaustion as Derek walked back and forth with his 3 month old nephew in his arms. They had only been married for 3 years. They were residents working hectic schedules and they thought it would be fun to take in the infant on one of their few weekends off. They figured Kathleen needed a few days to catch up on sleep._

_"You are doing a great job." Derek said encouragingly._

_Addison scoffed. "I'm a peds resident working toward a neonatal specialty. You'd think I'd be better with babies.'"_

_"Addison, you fed him, bathed him and changed every diaper so far. What more do you expect from yourself?"_

_"Yeah, and he screamed bloody murder the whole time. Then you come in and rock him for a few minutes and the crying stops." she said tiredly. "I can stay up all night going between the PICU and the NICU. I can take care of kids with all these complicated disorders but I can't even get my own nephew to stop crying."_

_"Well, that's why we make a good team. I never really learned how to feed them or change them or any of that stuff." he admitted. "All I really know how to do is stop the tears. So when we have kids you can do all that stuff and I'll always be there to stop the tears."_

_"Always?" she asked, looking up to meet his eyes with a somewhat doubtful expression. "I'm sure there will be nights you're working and I'll have to learn to stop the tears. There will be times when I'm working and you'll have to learn to feed the kid and change his or her diaper. Can't just sit around and wait for me to do it when I get home."_

_Derek nodded, admitting that he did not consider their careers when he made the promise. "Fine, I'll try to be there as much as I can so I can stop the crying. I won't leave you to do it all on your own."_

_"Promise?" she asked._

_He looked her in the eyes and nodded his head. "I promise."_ He broke his promise.

A few seconds later she realized the crying stopped. She glanced into the crib to discover her son had fallen asleep.

"Of course you fall asleep after getting me to the point of tears. " Addison brought her hand up to her face to wipe her tears away, trying not to think that Derek used to do it for her. She quietly left the room so her heaving between tears wouldn't wake the sleeping baby. Leaning against the door she sighed heavily, "Your father broke every fucking promise he ever made me and you work me up to the cusp of a mental break down and then stop so I'm left with my thoughts to push me over the edge...which only makes me feel more insane." She paused again. "And now I'm talking to myself." she muttered, confirming that she really was losing her sanity little by little. The depression really was taking over her entire being.

She went back to her bedroom and glanced at the clock. It was after 1:00 am. The next morning would be the beginning of another day. Another chance to be a good mother, another day to get through without letting the grief eat her alive. She knew that eventually it would get easier.

Eventually.

* * *

I really loved writing the end of this chapter. Hope you guys enjoyed reading it.

Btw- this wasn't showing up on FF when I updated last night so I had to delete the chapter and post again. Sorry everyone who already read it for giving you false hope of a new chapter.

Don't forget to review!  
Thanks!


	4. Chapter 4

Almost a year later and it still hadn't gotten any easier. She got better at burying her feelings but she still felt empty without her husband by her side. She couldn't function properly without him, she just got better at faking it in front of others.

Work helped, it gave her a chance to get away from home and think about something other than her problems. She hired a nanny (who was actually her former nanny) to stay with her baby while she was off taking care of other people and their babies. Every day she'd come home to find him clean and fed. All she had to do was play with him for an hour then put him to bed and get through the night. (It helped that Aiden started sleeping through the night at only 3 months). The nanny came back early in the morning long before Aiden was awake and took care of everything else.

"He's been cranky all day. I don't think he's feeling well. He's had a little bit of a fever on and off. He'll probably be asleep long before bedtime tonight." Ruth, the nanny, informed Addison on her way out the door.

Addison gave her son a sympathetic look, she brushed her hand through his hair as she held him closer to her. "We'll take it easy tonight, okay?" she told the eleven month old softly. She was actually a little relieved that he didn't have his usually energy because she had an exhausting day at work and needed some down time. "We'll get you a bottle and I'll get a glass of wine and we can cuddle up in bed and watch Peter Pan. That's your favorite, right? That's what Ruth says." She hated the fact that all of her knowledge of her son's likes and dislikes were based on what the nanny would tell her. She hated herself for only spending an hour a day with him. She didn't need anyone to tell her that she wasn't exactly a good mother, she was reminded of that fact every time she looked at her son.

After getting him settled beside her in her bed and pressed play for the movie to start. She barely paid attention to any of it. She was more focused on the book she had been trying to get through. She'd glance at the 11 month old beside her every time she heard him giggle. She was sure that he was too young to really understand any of the jokes but she assumed that certain sounds and actions were amusing to him. The crocodile's tic toc theme song seemed to be his favorite, it would crack him up every time without fail.

"Mama!" Aiden exclaimed, nudging her side. He pointed to the screen to show her to crocodile's eyes popping up rhythmically to the ticking song and laughed hysterically as the scene continued.

Addison glanced up and looked where his little finger pointed. She gave him a smile and nodded her head in response before going on her reading. When a cannon fired she felt him flitched and curl into her for safety. The fear was gone in seconds and he was entirely focused on the movie again.

A part of her almost felt content for a split second. Immediately following that split second was the moment that changed everything. She snapped out of her trance to find her son violently thrashing beside her. She dropped the book and quickly went from her lying position to propped up on her knees. The neonatal specialist in her took over as she rolled the almost-toddler onto his side and cupped chin with one hand, gently squeezing his cheeks so he wouldn't bite his tongue. Once he stopped convulsing she called an ambulance and everything else was a blur right up until the diagnosis came.

Bacterial meningitis.

It was like some type of cruel joke. Her little boy had a neurological condition, a possibility fatal one at that, and his internationally renowned neurosurgeon father couldn't help because he was dead. The irony was too much for her taste, to lose her neurosurgeon husband then her son to a neurological condition.

He was taken into surgery to relieve the pressure on his brain and then rushed to the PICU immediately afterward. She sat by his side for days, watching as IVs pumped him full of antibiotics to kill every bacterial cell in his tiny body.

"Addison." her nanny called for her attention from the doorway. "Honey, how long have you been in here? You need some time off, go home and shower, eat something, get some sleep. You'll feel a lot better after that, trust me."

"I can't." she mumbled.

"Addie, sitting by his side isn't going to change anything. He's on medication, he's got people here watching him very closely. He's not alone. And if you want I can stay with him while you go home."

Addison shook her head. "I can't leave him."

The older woman sighed. She hated being the bad guy but she knew that someone had to tell Addison. "I know you're scared of losing him but you also need to understand that sitting here with him doesn't change anything. No matter how long you spend holding his hand here, kissing his fevered little forehead and whispering words of encouragement into his ear, it's not going to make up for the times you were not there to hold him when he needed you."

"I know." Addison whispered with a guilty expression on his face. "I always swore that I wouldn't be anything like my mother but I'm just like her. I'm exactly the same. And I'm not trying to make up for the past, I'm just trying to be there for him now and from now on if he makes it through this and if he doesn't then I need to be here for every second that I can be. I don't want to leave his side and get a phone call telling me that my son died. I can't handle that again."

"You are nothing like your mother. Trust me, I took care of your from the time you were 6 all the way until you learned how to drive and could take care of yourself. I've seen your mother with you and I've seen you with your son. You're nothing like she was. You're maternal. You are depressed and you're having a hard time moving on with your life that's normal after what you've been through. You've got a full time job that's very stressful and physically draining. Despite that you're still maternal. Your mother had everything she could want. She was happy, she was settled, she didn't have to work and she still didn't do for you what you do for your son in your condition."

"Thank you. That really means a lot coming from you. I'm not really sure what I'm doing but it is a relief to hear that at least I'm not completely cold and withholding."

The nanny, Ruth, stepped further into the room. "Would you like company for a while? I haven't seen the little guy since he was admitted and I miss him."

Addison smiled in response. "Of course."

"Addison, have you spoken to your family? Do they know? I'm sure Archer would be here if he knew what was going on. The Archer I raised would do anything for his little sister, he'd never let you go through this alone. And your mother- I understand that she's changed and I'm sure she'd be here, your father. Derek's mother is very connected to Aiden and I'm sure she'd come and lock herself in this room with you if she knew what was going on with her grandson. She tries to come every time he's got sniffles. Having people around could help you."

"I don't want to worry anyone. I am his mother. I should be able to take care of him on my own. I should not have to depend on so many people. They've already been there for me through so much that I can't ask for more."

"They don't do it out of obligation, Addison. They are your family. They want to be there and help you."

Addison shook her head. "I can't. I have to do this on my own." she replied quietly. "Besides, you come by every once in a while and that's more than I would ever ask for. I'm grateful for the support."

"I don't know if I've told you this but you and your brother were always my favorites. I mean my favorites from all the kids I've ever cared for. I've never been quite so attached to any of the others, I certainly haven't kept in touch with the others. I was so thrilled to hear that you had a son and I'm so honored that you trust me with him. When you called to asked I didn't even have to think, I'd been telling everyone that the only way I'd come out of retirement would be if Addison Montgomery-Shepherd had children. And he's real competition, you know? I think he's my new favorite. Or it may be a tie."

"He's got his father's charming smile. He'll definitely beat me in being anyone's favorite. No one will ever be able to resist that charm." Addison replied. "Assuming he makes it through this…"

"Mama." Aiden called out to her in his tiny little voice.

Addison could almost hear the fear in his voice. She quickly rose to her feet and lowered the side of the hospital crib to be closer to her son. She leaned over him, lightly brushing her lips against his forehead. "I'm right here." she whispered and reached down for his hand. "Are you okay, baby? Are you in pain? Do you have any owwies?"

"Up." he whimpered, holding his arm out to her hoping to picked up and cuddled.

Addison looked unsure, she glanced around the private room. Her trained eyes consulted the monitors and as a doctor she knew she wasn't supposed to take him out of bed and hold him. Parents were not supposed to disconnect monitors, especially not to cuddle. She also knew the only thing he really needed was his IV delivering all the treatment into his weak little body. "Hold on one second, sweetheart." she told the child as she worked carefully to disconnect him from the equipment. She cautiously lifted him into one arm and pulled his IV pole closer to her chair with her other. "Better?" she asked him, looking down to see him settle himself on her chest.

She knew enough to know that even though he was talking at 11 months old, just enough to get his point across every so often, it did not mean that he understood most of what she said to him. She also knew that hearing their mother or father was reassuring to babies, even if they had no idea what was being said.

"Mama." he muttered again, obviously trying to tell her something that wouldn't come across with his limited vocabulary.

"I'm here, buddy. I'm here." she repeated, pressing a light kiss over the crown of his head as she soothingly rubbed his back. "He's all I have left." she whispered once she noticed that he had fall back to sleep on her chest.

"He'll be fine." Ruth responded surely.

"I can't lose another person that I love. He has to be okay. He's really got no choice but to be okay."

Aiden was released from the hospital 16 days after he was admitted. Addison barely ever left his side through those 16 days. She held his hand every time he had to have his blood drawn and rubbed his back to help soothe him after vomiting. She rocked him to sleep on the nights she was allowed to hold him and read to him on the nights she couldn't take him out of bed. Finally being able to take him home with a clean bill of health was a welcomed relief that Addison had not felt since before Derek's death. For that day on she swore that her son would be her priority, the depression was still an issue but she learned that her son was there to make it better, not worse.

* * *

_Two and a half years later_

"Did you have fun at Aunt Liz's house?" Addison asked her three and a half year old son as she stepped into her parents' house. They were visiting Connecticut for the weekend. Usually her family and Derek's family came to New York to visit them instead but they decided to change it up for once. Aiden had spent most of the day with his cousins at Liz's house.

"Yup. We played." he answered briefly. "I'm hungry."

"Aiden, we just had dinner with all your cousins. You had two whole slices of pizza. You can't be hungry."

Aiden smiled at her, his smile was identical to Derek's and it was almost impossible to say no after seeing it. "I'm hungry for owscweam."

"Ice cream." she corrected out of habit. "Let's go see if your grandparents have any ice cream in the freezer. And if they do lets hope its not the crappy rich people kind. No one wants pear flavored ice cream, right?" she added, leading her son to the kitchen where she located a carton of Hagen Daz in the freezer. A quick search in the pantry revealed a box of sugar cones. "We hit the jackpot, Aiden."

"What's a jackpot?" Aiden asked as she his mother scooped ice cream into two cones.

"Kind of like treasure." Addison replied. "Something that's very valuable."

"Oh." Aiden murmured, climbing up on Bizzy's mahogany chair to eat the ice cream cone his mother have prepared for him. "Mommy, I didn't want vanilla. Vanilla is boring. I want Rocky Road."

"Sorry, bud, this is all they have in the freezer. You'll have rocky road some other time, okay? We really should be grateful that it's not pear. That was no good last time, was it?" Addison replied, sitting on a chair adjacent to him. "Just be careful so it doesn't start melting and dripping on the table or chair...Bizzy wasn't too pleased the last time I spilled something on that chair."

Aiden's eyes went wide. "What did you spill?" he asked curiously. "Did you get in trouble?"

"Nevermind." Addison replied dismissively, sincerely doubting that her son would be interested to know that her water broke on that very chair and later it underwent serious disinfecting before Bizzy allowed it back into her house.

"Can I ask you a queshun?"

"Sure. Go for it, little guy…" she paused. "Unless the question is if you can have more ice cream because the answer to that is no."

"Everyone says I look like my Daddy." he mumbled. "Do I?"

"Yeah, you look just like him."

"Is that why Grandma Carolyn cries every time she sees me?"

Addison shrugged in response. She did not have an answer to that question. "I'm not sure. Maybe." she responded honestly.

"Have I ever seen him?"

"No, you haven't. We've talked about this before, do you remember? You're still too young to really understand this but your daddy died before you were born. You never met him but he's always watching you and I'm sure that he loves you very much."

"But why?"

"Why what?"

"Why did he die?" Aiden asked in confusion. At three and a half years old, the concept of death was much too complicated for him to understand. "Why can't he just...come back?"

"Because, honey, dying is permanent. That means forever. He can't change it, no one can." Addison explained as best she could.

"Do you really think he would like me?"

"He is your dad, he loves you whether he's here with you or not." Addison replied confidently. "I think he would have loved the opportunity to meet you."

"Did he love you?" Aiden questioned curiously.

Addison stared blankly at her son with no answer. It had been years since Derek's death and she still didn't know the answer to that question. "He did love me." she replied, and she wasn't lying because at some point in the past he did love her. She just wasn't sure if it he loved her up until the day he died or if he had stopped long before that. "And I still love him more than I could ever explain."

"Oh…"

"I know its hard to understand, Aiden. I know this is all way too complicated. I just want you to grow up knowing that you have a dad and that he does love you even if he's not here with you, okay? That's all you have to understand for now."

Aiden nodded his head understandingly. "Can I see a picture of him?" Aiden asked curiously.

"Sure." she answered and gestured for him to follow her. She took him up to her old room and pulled a couple of frames out from her nightstand. After Derek's death she found that the other way she could deal with it was to hide his pictures. She put those in her nightstand while she was staying with her parents immediately following Derek's funeral. She had asked Savvy to put all of his pictures from the Brownstone in a box in the basement so she wouldn't have to do it herself when she moved in.

Aiden studied the picture closely. "We gots the same hair." he immediately noticed. "And the same eyes, right?"

"Mhmm." Addison said with a nod. "And you've got the same smile. You've got his dimples. Same skin tone. Same jaw line. You're exactly like him."

"Does that make you sad, Mommy?" Aiden wondered. "Like it makes Grandma sad?"

"Nope." Addison told him definitively. It was a question she had asked herself all thought the first year of her son's life, right up until the day he violently seized right beside her. Back then she was sure that her life would have easier to deal with if the little boy wasn't Derek's mini-me. She was sure it would be less painful to be a single mother if her son didn't constantly remind her of his father. In a matter of a single second her opinion changed entirely. "I wouldn't change a single thing about you. Besides, you may look like you're daddy but you've got my brains and my sparkling personality. I think that's a pretty deadly combo. You are perfect."

Aiden gave his mother a strange look, completely thrown off by her answer. "Mommy, I'm not perfect. Only Peter Pan is perfect. He's smart and brave and funny and smart and he can fight with a sword and all the mermaids at the lagoon have a crush on him."

"But Peter Pan is a cartoon. He's made up. You are a real person and you're as close as a real person can be to perfect."

Aiden tilted his head and looked at her with a blank look of confusion, "Huh?" he asked.

"Nothing, never mind. Just know that you're everything I needed to get my life back on track."

* * *

Sorry for the long wait on the last chapter of this story. I got ridiculously sick and couldn't do anything for a good two weeks. Plus the last chapter of all of stories always take forever because I just have such a hard time ending stories.

Be sure to review one last time! Thanks for reading!


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